Tag: abuses

  • My Song Of Agony

    My Song Of Agony

    My Song Of Agony

    this is my song of agony
    I wish I had understood before
    my fault is my fragility and vulnerability
    being like a child who had never been protected
    as a consequence of all the abuses
    I had to endure in my life
    without any protection

    to be loved and protected is a delight I will never know
    I am not any more broken inside
    because I have been already shattered to fragments of myself
    I am not any more a whole creature
    being always cynically exploited by others
    the only things to keep me alive is my poetry
    which is part of my body and soul

    I am poetry, and it is the purest part of me
    poetry for pure and naive souls
    poetry for creatures who are honestly in love
    a pure love that doesn’t betray
    love is not just a short sentence
    fake love is a successful tool to lure a pure soul
    pure love is the most sublime of all feelings
    which should not be used to hurt fragile souls
    souls who never met kindness, love and compassion

    because it is so hard to be me
    I am not just a freaky girl for the sake of being “cool”
    there are traumas and abuses behind my being a “dark romantic” poet
    in an aura of romantic torments and anguishes
    being an exotic flower and an unconventional girl
    the Israeli Jewish girl with “that Italian” accent

    and there is also my loss since two years
    which I still feel a lot
    not having a father is miserable
    not having more chance to have a family
    being lonely and alone
    no love
    no affection
    just the coldness of a cynic society

    this is my song of agony and pain
    living a life made of words, passions and love
    love burns me alive
    love pierces my heart
    I scream in agony
    it is the scream of my bleeding heart
    and all the stars of the universe collide
    merging in a hybrid star
    which is inside my heart

    I cannot stop loving
    I cannot stop dreaming
    a transcendental love
    without reward
    without return.
    Esther Elizabeth Racah

  • The Sleepless Nights

    The Sleepless Nights

    The Sleepless Nights

    Long are the sleepless nights that I spend alone writing and dreaming about absurdities
    Surrounded by books and scribbled notes scattered around the house
    I wonder how much my life is real
    Since it is mainly made of poetry, writings, books and music
    Solitude is my constant companion
    I live in my bubble of segregation
    Nevertheless, I cannot live without music, art, poetry and that deep ache in my soul
    Having to keep dark secrets
    On the sleepless nights, I might write my poetry only for myself
    Feeling like no one on this planet will ever read me
    Every day I pretend to be patient and wait

    Most of the time, I feel the most invisible creature in the world
    With traumatic experiences and terrible abuses
    I had to endure in silence and loneliness with infinite strength.
    Esther Racah
  • Happiness

    Happiness

    Happiness

    Happiness after being set free from emotional slaveries
    Obliterating every link of abuses
    I was a slave and a shadow of myself
    Now I am happy and independent
    Each day I celebrate my happiness and freedom
    I finally belong to myself, and I am my true self
    Now there is me and my happiness
    Happy to be alive, safe and the owner of my destiny
    Far from toxic beings who pretended to master my life
    This is the time for reflection and self-introspection
    This is the time for rebuilding my life
    And in this critical period, I focus on myself and what I do need
    Trends and social status don’t concern me at all
    I am not definable and easy to understand
    The banality and idiocy don’t belong to me
    I chose a long and arduous path
    But I am not afraid
    Since there is only one life
    It is essential to be careful about choices
    It is necessary to understand what to desire
    Solitude can reveal more than words
    Contemplation and self-awareness are truthful gifts
    I am learning to prioritise my needs
    Not conforming to the dictates of narcissists
    Happiness is to rediscover my true self as a whole entity
    I will not let others break my spirit.
    Esther Racah

  • The Cold Humiliation

    The Cold Humiliation

    The Cold Humiliation

    The cold humiliation
    The freezing of my body
    My body like a dead leaf
    In pain and humiliation
    Amid blood and shreds
    I wanted to forget
    I tried to wash away the shame
    I never spoke
    The silence was my way to pretend that nothing happened
    And that I deserved it
    As a punishment for my submission
    A silent acceptance of the pain and desecration
    The blood was like the quiet lament of my body
    Violated and shredded in pieces
    Beauty and femininity as frailty
    The desire to be outside a violated body
    The dream to fly far away from this physical world
    The pain became the awareness of low self-esteem
    I’m exposing myself, showing my pain
    My weakness and disgrace are my witnesses
    I’m not afraid of being judged
    Afflicted by mortification
    I was, and I am broken
    Torn to shreds
    The cry of pain is a loud echo
    Which is always inside me.
    Esther Racah

  • Dead Roses

    Dead Roses

    Dead Roses

    Like dead roses falling on the cold soil on a winter morning
    I was plundered and deprived of everything I owned and cherished
    My purity and innocence were trampled with impunity
    My freedom and priceless worth were shuttered
    Everything I dreamt of was just an illusion
    I opened my eyes, and an unrevealed reality was waiting for me
    Solitude and silence taught me more than words and books
    Finally, I understood that losing myself was the biggest mistake of my life
    My virtues and values were always with me
    And nobody would have been able to take them away from me
    The self-love and confidence in myself were hidden inside an invisible treasure chest
    My innocence never went lost because I never lost my real integrity
    A treasure that no one can steal
    Life showed me how not to be whenever I encountered miserable and abusive beings
    I fell down, and I lost, and I cried in pain and despair
    In the deepest solitude and anguish, I never lost my real self and merit
    What others were trying to take away from me trying to despoil me
    It always remained inside me
    But I didn’t know it up to the moment I found myself in the abyss of the torments and distress
    I finally realised that I didn’t need what I’ve always desired
    And that I was in charge of my life and my inner well-being
    I feared solitude, but it saved me and taught me how much strong and powerful I can be
    No matter what happens
    I learned how to never give up on myself.
    Esther Racah

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