Unloved and still alive
Burning inside like a bursting candle
Shunned by the stars
Forsaken by my own fate
I wandered in my idyllic imagination
Careless about the consequences of my quest
So in silence I remained, keeping my stillness and avoiding any apprehension
I had been cast away from the realm of certitude
And I had embraced the illusory world of swoon
Embracing the unknown was my main aim
Since I lived with the constant suspense of the unpredictability of the events that would unfold before me
I saw the traces of shame on the walls of a glorious temple
Remembering that once upon a time, they were covered with the names of those who once enjoyed privileges and gifts
Although I saw their shadows fading in the void, I knew that their presence was there
Underneath the oblivious dusty tapestries and carpets, there were the spirits of disgrace
How long could that secrecy have been hidden?
It was a question resonating in my mind
How could it even have been possible to leave such a precious wall so tainted and hideous?
A crowd of paid names was pasted onto ephemeral history
Then, years later, it was peeled away, leaving one of the grand palace walls flayed by adhesive and a code of silence
Names faded away like ethereal legends erased by the wear and tear of time
Not even the wear and tear of their fake smiles and affected bows could erase what was obvious even to the marvellous works of that now decayed temple
I saw but I didn’t forget
Unloved and still alive
I was an accidental witness to dreadfulness and grotesqueness
Everything seemed to be so unreal and absurd I couldn’t even admit it as a bare reality and an ugly truth
The sky was cloudy and the rain fell all over the magical palace with its infernal caves
The more I walked erratically, the more I felt like I had lost the old version of myself
I had drunk the poison of my intuitions that were verified by a harsh reality
I had become inebriated on a potion that had been offered to me just when I didn’t want it
And although the ghastliness prevailed, so did I
I cherished my essence of a drama queen and goddess of darkness
Since I chose to belong to the unseen world of dark shadows and enigmatic secrets
Although I was unloved by mortals, I was still alive in various shapes like an ethereal creature of an invisible kingdom
I had recreated myself from dust and ashes
While the time slipped away like sand in the wind
For I became what I could never have imagined
A lost butterfly in an abyss of turmoil and deceit, overflowing my imagination with illusory chimaeras
I endured a world of wretchedness and cynicism, facing every horror wrought by mortals
At the very end, there was never an end
The decay of the perishable world never ceased, but it persisted inexorably
And I stared at the stars as the only act of salvation for my lonely and broken heart.
Elisabetta Esther