A shallow melancholy caught me in the labyrinth of torment and insomnia. My heart was pierced and disheartened by senseless whirlwinds of despair and anguish. I didn’t know where I was headed, but I could only feel a tremendous intimidation inside myself. A vast, gloomy shadow couldn’t allow me to see beyond the horizon. I had no destination, and it seemed that I had no free choice to escape from that doomed fate of mine. The haze was so dense, and the night was so dark that I couldn’t find any portal to allow me to leave. I screamed to the stars, but they refused to listen to my voice, and I was cast away from their gaze for eternity. The everlasting darkness granted me the utmost agony, and sorrow lulled me to a deadly slumber. So much I cherished my dreams, nevertheless, they vanished into the ashes of decay. Solitude and loneliness had spellbound me with their sombre and mournful enchantment. In a mystic aura, I was viscously bound to a magical realm of lost spirits and wicked wraiths, which whispered their laments to my ears. I knew not who I had become and what my name was. So much confused and chaotic was the state of my heart that it sank deeply into the abyss of devastation. I fell into ecstasy and bliss, enjoying my obliteration and every cut inflicted upon my body. Wounded and frantic, I shed tears of pleasure and delight. My sobs and sighs broke the solemn silence that was my most loyal companion in that kingdom of death and mortification. Frenzy squished me, and madness shattered my heart. I embraced the bitter emptiness, hovering like an ethereal creature in search of witchy dungeons and secret forests. And there were no beginnings nor ends in the domain of the shallow melancholy. I remained suspended from ropes, which led me into my perpetual descent. And I lay there, claimed by the hereafter.
Elisabetta Esther
Tag: existential anguish
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A Shallow Melancholy
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Seeking Dreams
Seeking dreams in nowhere on a winter night with no stars but only a mystical fog and gloomy clouds. Not even a bird was flying in the leaden and dark sky. Only the clouds were gazing at me like curious observers, and the wind whispered legends of despair to me.
I signed and dreamed of ocean floors paved with diamonds and stars. I fantasised about mermaids lost in submerged islands, and snow-capped waterfalls on remote cliffs. Time faded away when I was dreaming. Not even the impetuous cold rain could distract me from my nightdreaming.
Foolishness never abandoned me, while I was consumed by my passionate longings, which brought me to the edge of the universe. Wonderful darkness enticed me, and I summoned my own demons and spirits, surrounded by exquisite midnight flowers.
Folly and wisdom accompanied me in my everlasting journey to my hellish descent. Though I have visited heavens and abysses, boundless valleys and inaccessible mountains, I have always ended up at the very same point of origin, namely my ancient abyss of despair.
Seeking dreams in nowhere on a frosty night with no glimmering lights but only a ghostly haze and dismal shadows. No living creature crept close to me, but only wraiths and eerie ghouls, which kept following me in every abode and realm I dwelled in.
I foresaw my decay and the obliteration of all my dreams that I had sought for so long in vain. Drowning in the emptiness and losing my heart, that was a nightmare of mine, an incubus visiting my slumber. Arcane verses, evoking a magic spell, were carved on my body.
Scarlet flowers adorned my hair that flowed on my face, while my tears of sorrow soaked the frozen soil. Nightmares and thorns poisoned my never-ending nights, tainting the sky with chaos. Numbed and mesmerised by swirling griefs that never hesitated to tarnish my keenness, I softly succumbed to my unavoidable demise.
While seeking dreams, I harboured enemies in my soul, harming myself with obsessions that left scars all over my body. I had to renounce being myself and let the darkness swallow all my desires. In a realm of liminality, I was cast away and forced to endure agony.
Abandoned in my dismay, I found no solace but to metamorphose into sadness. I became what I had feared the most, the very thing that had damaged my heart. I ended up in loneliness and madness, seeing my own reflection staring back at me in fractured and disfigured mirrors.
Elisabetta Esther -
Upon The Petals Of Intoxicating Beauty
Upon the petals of intoxicating beauty, as if it were a marvellous flower, I found my haven of love and dreams. I lost touch with my wisdom and embraced my unconscious desires. Passionate as I was, perpetual flames scorched my heart, where all my most audacious secrets were embalmed.
The winter storm came suddenly, and it made all my flowers fade to a haze of stardust. Love and dreams rumbled in my heart like thunderbolts. In stupor and wonder, I fell into an eternal slumber, in which I couldn’t suffer or feel despair. Frozen and benumbed, I became a part of a realm beyond time and space.
Among stars and clouds, I could see the rainbow of my derealization. I was inflamed and frightened by my own trepidations. I attempted to convey my liberty from past chains, as they strove to bring me down into the abyss of misery. What could I have been in other realities I knew not, while I was lost in broken remembrances.
The frigid breeze unleashed remembrances and released ancient phantoms from my early past. A vortex of emotions stirred inside me, emptying me of all my enigmas. I wished I could understand what was happening in that very moment. Nevertheless, stupor and hallucinations kept me from wisdom and sanity.
I felt innocent and fierce, although a bitter dread attempted to fill my heart with infinite emptiness and anguish. I celebrated my resentful loneliness as a treasured gift very dear to me. Every feeling overwhelmed me, and I kept freezing. Every cherished devotion made me hide in the most remote haven.
I started to talk to mirrors even when they were broken. Each mirror whispered words I didn’t wish to utter or hear. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t remember my past, since I had lost all connection to past ghouls. I couldn’t find out who I was and where I was. None of my questions had ever found their answer.
Upon the petals of intoxicating beauty, as if it were a poison spell, I found my death and eternal doom. My fragility induced me to weep, and I screamed into the darkness of the inexhaustible night. My tears engraved every pang upon my face, running down like garnet streams.
Thorns and brambles wrapped themselves around me delightfully, making me rejoice with euphoria and bliss. In the ecstasy of contrition and mortification, I found my utmost merriment. Lying helpless and disconsolate, I followed the trails of my reveries, hoping in vain to remember my name.
I dreamed of exquisite flowers and sweet poisons. I fantasised about petals of intoxicating beauty, until dark shadows dragged me into the abyss of obliteration. I might have been cast into a realm of demise, where spirits and underworld creatures offered me festive and joyful torments.
In dizziness and elation, I was struck by magical starlight and thunder. Upon the petals of intoxicating beauty, as if it were a marvellous flower, I was defeated and cast away. And lost in the labyrinth of my souvenirs, I could no longer distinguish delusional fantasies from my own ruin.
Elisabetta Esther -
The Shadow Of Death
The shadow of death was behind me, perpetually, like a faithful lover, tearing from my heart every hope of being loved and cherished as a unique treasure. It was a distorted mirror that reflected my anguish and my fears. It filled my cell with scarlet red incense, which constantly suffocated me, stifling me and preventing me from seeing my own image.
I lived this suffocating and abominable pseudo‑reality in constant terror, no longer understanding whether it was real or a surreal fantasy, the product of my hallucinations. I perceived those distressing candles that burned me alive every time I approached their presence.
The cold rock walls were so thick that, however much I strove to cry out and scream my pain, no one could ever hear it—no mortal and no creature from the subterranean world of the afterlife to which, apparently, I now belonged.
Amid dust and drops of my blood, I was relegated like a lifeless creature, feeding on the faint light of the blood‑red candles, and that suffocating incense that penetrated every part of my body. Even the stars refused to cast light into that narrow cell, where my pierced heart had been nailed to a dilapidated wall as if it were a souvenir on display.
I no longer had the capacity to harbour a desire or to hope for an existence wrapped in enchanted flowers and love spells. Everything I had dreamed of I had lost in the abyss of obliteration, and all that I had vainly pursued in my miserable existence had vanished, having only materialised into a bleak and mortifying prison for my soul.
And thus I vanished into that menacing and omnipresent cloud that loomed over me. Even the decrepit walls, made of cold and indifferent rock, had no tears to shed for my bitter demise. I myself had become the shadow of death, no longer a mortal being but a creature of that world I had so long shunned, which, despite everything, had devoured me entirely and inescapably.
Elisabetta Esther -
A Storm Of Tragedies
A storm of tragedies suddenly overwhelmed me
Dragging me into the abyss of despair and renunciation
A delight for my heart, which wept and was scorched into ashes
My fate knew no expectation
No longing was any longer granted to me
I had been buried once again
And I had been forsaken by my own stars
Instead, I had been retained in shadows and dismay
Lost in my soliloquies
I realised that it was all a dreadful dream
A nightmare in disguise
And so the eternal night never knew an end
The sky was invisible to me
While I was relegated to my secret crypt
In solitude and dismay, I was destined to endure my existence
Emptiness was swallowing me from within
As I could hear the sound of my tears collapsing incessantly on the frigid soil
Anguish didn’t spare my heart, piercing it like a torturing dagger
I knew not what destiny might have reserved for me
Dread kept my heart impaled, helpless in its naivety and foolishness
Even the moon averted its gaze from me
Whilst a deafening silence surrounded me
The cold wind of the eternal night could no longer hurt me
Since I had become a creature of darkness, without longings or expectations
My downfall had become my reprieve
I had found delight in discomfort and grief
My alcove was made of dust and cruel stones
My comfort and refuge were made of chaos
Dreaming of starlight and love was only a remote chimeara
No longer being the privileged creature of stars and rainbows
I belonged to the realm of gloomy skies and sharp thorns
In my frozen loneliness and seclusion
There I was destined to subsist in decay and death
With no rescue or transformation
Blood and tears were flowing down my face and body
And I remained therein forever.
Elisabetta Esther -
A Forsaken Dream
A forsaken dream of lost hopes,
In the deep ocean of despair and grief,
Limitless and was as the sky of darkness,
Where silence reigned supreme,
And no solace would embrace the night,
Yearning for the dawn’s advent.In the stillness of the eternal obscurity,
Hope flickered like a distant star,
A beacon in the endless infinite,
Guiding dreams toward twilight embrace,
Through shadows and whispers,
In a maze of ashes and sorrows.In the abyss of forsaken longings,
Where memories faded like autumn leaves,
Each tear fell from the tree of pain,
Carving its mark upon the time,
The sigil of a weary sigh,
Seeking refuge from the storm of delusions.Amidst the ruins of shattered dreams,
Lay the seed of despair,
Buried deep within the heart’s core,
Waiting for the doubt’s cruel touch,
To bloom amidst the desolation,
A twisted flower of haunting sorrows.The night became a canvas of untold horrors,
Painted with hues of melancholy and dread,
Within its darkest shades,
Lay a promise of relentless torment,
Where light was but a fleeting ghost,
And shadows devoured the feeble glow.Through the valleys of despair,
And the mountains of anguish,
The ethereal dreams wandered, lost,
Guided by the whispers of forgotten dreads,
A chilling relic of what once was alive,
That refused to fade away.In the realm of chimaeras,
Woven with threads of misery and pain,
Each moment was a dark stain,
In the intertwining of life and death,
Though the night might have seemed eternal,
The dawn was but an illusion,
Bringing with it the torment of false hope.Tears fell like acid rain,
Corroding the seeds of hope,
Embracing the night’s cold grasp,
For it was in the darkness,
That the stars burned with an eternal flame,
Leading dreams further into the abyss.In the emptiness of silence,
As time faded,
A dirge of despair and hopelessness,
Emerged from the depths of sadness,
A vision of endless nights.
Esther Elizabeth Racah