Like A Porcelain Doll
And it was like in a nightmare
While I was lying inert on a cold bed like a porcelain doll
I could not conceive why those things happened for a reason
Maybe I was too naive to realise such closeness
Perhaps I was too childish to protect myself
Letting the submission paralyse my mind
It never mattered who I really was
It never mattered what I really desired
Because the most important thing was social etiquette and fulfilled other’s desires
I had to embellish myself like a porcelain doll
I had to smile with my elegant dresses and impeccable makeup devotedly
Some pretty bow in my long blond hair and a sumptuous dress as a daily routine
I was empty, and I could not find myself
Being constantly busy to be submissive and amiable
Exhausted and broken
I was never good enough
And then, I had to lose myself
Becoming who I was expected to be
The echo of my silence was loud in my mind
The only place where I was feeling safe
Respect and love were remote chimaeras
The coldness around me was freezing my heart
My feelings being trapped in a desperate endeavour to be loved
And trying to piece together scattered fragments of myself.
Esther Racah