Esther Racah Writer & Literary Blogger

Tag: suffering

  • Trapped By My Dreams

    Trapped By My Dreams

    Trapped by my dreams, I was living exclusively in my eternal slumber
    From which I could not be awakened anymore
    Enchanting siren melodies and terrifying cries bewitched my heart
    The perpetual candles burning close to my bedside had the scent of deception

    I was no longer frightened by life and society
    I felt like the most free and ethereal creature in the universe
    And I ventured to remote islands of phantasmagoria
    Thunders of insanity crashed through my heart

    It seemed that everything was shaking, and a roar erupted
    A fierce and wild cry shattered the stillness of my fantasy
    The sky split open with flashes of burning glare
    As if the universe itself was coercing me to succumb to its chaotic will

    The destruction began its monumental obliteration of all my desires
    I could not cry or scream, for I had become silent
    I was like a hollow vessel lost in its fate while caught in a storm’s violent embrace
    My heart, which once burned with ardent passion, was now a feeble flame twinkling like a dying blaze

    I found myself wandering in the graveyard of my dreams
    My heart was bleeding for all the anguish and grief that filled it
    I got lost among the fragments of my shattered illusions
    While hovering through the ruins of my beliefs and loves

    I remained besieged by the ghosts of my fears in the company of bleeding roses
    I had lost all my beloved treasures, and all that remained to me was just dust of decay
    Condemned to be devoured by the infinite nothingness
    I could not see any of my hallucinations

    I could not hear any of the enchanting whispers that the wind used to bring to me as a messenger
    Forced to be enslaved to death and obliteration
    I was no longer trapped by my dreams
    And I dwelled in an unending state of sorrow.
    Elisabetta

  • Teardrops Of Blood

    Teardrops Of Blood

    Teardrops of blood descended on my cheeks like timid waterfalls
    While the cold freeze of a winter night stroked me
    A memento of my mortality and fragility
    Like dancing leaves falling from trees under the influence of an extravagant wind

    Since the day my evil fate threw me into a world of misery
    I escaped from reality to find myself in the realm of bizarre dreams and odd nightmares
    I had found myself living in a new world
    A place of ghostly apparitions and utopias

    Burning flowers became sparkling torches, guiding me in my journey
    In this labyrinth of darkness, I felt so overwhelmed that I could feel the scent of death
    The demise was waiting for me as if I couldn’t commit any mistake
    And I had to drink from the cup of poison that the oblivion offered me

    I became intoxicated by illusions and deceptions
    I started to believe every lie whispered to my heart
    And I bled all my soul out, crying teardrops of blood
    Random thoughts captured my mind, and it was like I was the captive of my own insanity

    I became the representation of sorrow and decay
    Not alive anymore, I was a wanderer of the underworld
    I didn’t belong anymore to the material reality
    I was an ethereal spirit of the darkness

    I became my own shadow and guide on an unknown route
    Not even the stars or the moon were there to lead the way for me
    I started to mourn myself because I knew my fate was doomed
    And death was there to wait for me

    In solitude and anguish, my teardrops of blood were my only comfort
    Poisoned and dazzled as I was, there was no resolution to my senseless disorder
    Madness had me as a captive in its cursed dungeon
    Surrounded by the skulls of those who perished from folly and frenzy.
    Elisabetta

  • Elegy Of The Withered Roses

    Elegy Of The Withered Roses

    Elegy of the withered roses was one of the hymns carved on my book of dreams
    Every time I opened it to flee the reality around me, I found myself in another world
    A realm of solace and delight but also with dreadful and disquieting hues
    Confused and dazzled, I began to proceed on my walk to the fountain of knowledge
    The more I wanted to know, the more I was convinced to know less

    My struggle to understand the mystery beyond a legend so dear to me was overwhelmed by the fear of oblivion
    As soon as I desired to open the books, decay trapped me in a state of affliction
    And nightmares hunted me like prey, wherever I was, in the garden of desolation
    What I’ve never seen before appeared in the mirror of my fate
    The truth hurt me like a dagger inside my bleeding heart

    The doom of desolation and solitude tainted every delight of mine
    Although I was fleeing the reality, I couldn’t find any haven where to rest in peace
    Sombre clouds overcrowded the night sky, obliterating all the stars
    And the moon emerged immense in her startling splendour
    As she was chanting the elegy of the withered roses

    I couldn’t understand if the shrieks I was hearing were groans of mockery or laments of sorrow
    All I could see was shadows embedded in the roots of dead trees
    Twisting like tortured souls in the abyss of perpetual despair
    Because after all, every dream of mine was a nightmare In the luminous hush of night
    Since my heart was just an imperfect relic of impetuous storms

    Nothing more could have been mended
    The rift between the realm of nightmares and longings had outgrown
    My castle of hopes and illusions had crumbled to pieces
    Its towers dissolved into mist, and its gates were devoured by stillness
    I stood in my loneliness surrounded by the debris and clutching dreams that were turned to dust
    As if sorrow itself had rewritten the fabric of my heart.
    Elisabetta

  • Wandering In Dark Chambers

    Wandering In Dark Chambers

    Wandering in dark chambers where the bones of my memories were hung
    I was bound by enchanting spells to be a lost soul in an endless realm of emptiness
    Speechless as I became, I was just a living tragedy
    And darkness was my humble and gloomy dwelling
    Where I could be nobody without pretending to fulfil my wishes

    Definitely, all my desires and dreams were annihilated like extinguished flames
    No shame and delusion could have carved my name in my fate
    Because in the end, I didn’t pay attention to what was happening outside that realm of self-destruction
    No one would have rescued me from that nightmare
    Misery and grief were my relentless shadows, following wherever I was proceeding

    Wandering in dark chambers of agony, I was left to bleed out my very soul
    Enduring the most agonizing of sufferings, betrayed by my ancient illusions
    Silly dreams that once deceived me had become my merciless torturers, from whom I could not flee
    Hiding in the depths of gloom, I avoided crossing others’ paths, limping like a wounded animal,
    after having shed my last tears
    Swaying in uncertainty and restlessness, I lie in decay, as I know that I’m destined to the eternal doom

    Faded visions stroked my heart and I had the certitude that nothing could be more possible but drinking the poison of my own illusions
    My heart is a ravine with a thirst for silent collapse with a collar made of misery and decay
    The tragedy of being was embedded into my essence and I shed tears
    The hushed fate misled me into a maze of dust and decline that I was not aware of
    The untold secrets of my past remained buried underneath the garden of chagrin and preordained to stay forever there
    And I kept wandering in the dark chambers of my unending descent.
    Elisabetta

  • The Tides Of Death

    The Tides Of Death

    The tides of death and despair devour me into their abyss. Intimidated, I let the cold ocean swallow me in its frightening chaos. Humiliation and surrender chained me to the ocean floor; under constraints, I couldn’t escape my doomed fate.

    And I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. So much so that I was devoid of my essence and true self
    In the midst of emptiness, I was the embodiment of decadence and death. Nothing anymore could have hurt me because I was definitely belonging to the realm of demise.

    The tides of death transformed me into a creature of the realm of destruction and nothingness. I was a spirit of the dark abysses and my words were made of absolute silence. Betrayed by my dreams, I realised that I had no hope of staying alive and accepting my end.

    My heart had stopped beating and I was depleted like a withered rose. Nothing could have revived me and so much I strived to hold and cherish my desires, in the desperate endeavour to conquer my feeble spirit. The marine soil trembled under my faint body and opened into a dreadful gorge.

    Terror was the only emotion filling my heart. The distress was so brutal that it tore me apart. All that remained to me was to sing a silent song of desolation and defeat while collapsing under the weight of sorrow. I was all alone in the chasm of darkness and death, and nothing could have saved me.

    The tides of death possessed me and I couldn’t rebel against them. I was like a buried flower, dead before it was supposed to die. No tears rescued me from my deep despair. No slumber could have made me feel better. In that perpetual torpor, I was destined to remain for eternity and beyond.
    Elisabetta

  • Crying To Death

    Crying To Death

    Crying to death until I lose all my fears
    Crying to death until my heart bleeds the last drop of grief
    I don’t remember my name anymore
    I come from a faraway realm where dreams are forbidden
    I wander astray in the labyrinth of my bleeding heart

    Not anymore comforted by solace and delight
    I strive to find refuge in my secret realm of illusions
    Because I love to lie to myself with shameless boldness
    Because I love to fill my heart with deception

    I’m untamed and wild, and I don’t bow to any convention
    It’s impossible to fit my soul inside a box of comfort
    Too many thoughts crowd my mind
    Too many emotions crowd my heart
    I’m a paroxysm, a burst of madness wrapped in the quietness of my sorrow

    I love to wear exclusively beautiful vintage-style dresses and ballerinas
    I love to wear red lipstick and red nail polish
    I never cut my long blond hair because they keep my little secrets for years discretely
    I love books but sometimes I keep them closed as if I would like to guess what is going to happen next in the story

    I mainly write night and day and I cannot see myself not writing even a day
    That would be like asking me not to breathe
    I suffer in silence when I am home alone so nobody can discover it
    I never plan what I’m going to write because I believe in improvisation in poetry
    I love cloudy skies but not the rain because it makes me feel miserable

    I love to be in love but I also love to be loved and adored
    Solitude and books are my best companions, indeed the only ones
    I adore art in all its forms, music, literature and art
    Sometimes I prefer to write in a direct way and simple style without labyrinths of metaphors

    Crying to death is a way to express myself when I’m suffering unbearably
    And when I don’t feel understood and seen by the other creatures of this planet or when memories come to visit me
    After all, we suffer mainly because of indifference or tainted interactions with other entities or because of something we don’t want to remember

    I feel like an alien creature not belonging to standard society and as an introvert it’s very difficult being part of this messed ocean where I never felt comfortable. So bizarre and odd I’m in the other’s sight that I cannot blend with them.
    Therefore, I dwell in my loneliness where I have built my castle of dreams.
    Elisabetta

  • Buried Delights

    Buried Delights

    Buried delights are the only gifts that remained in my treasure chest
    Nothing more because I’ve lost all my hope and dreams
    I’ve been deprived of all the things dear to me and I cannot have any more back
    All that I have is dust and decay

    All my sandcastles were swallowed by the greedy ocean of darkness
    The emptiness of my fate buried all my solaces and delights
    I have to suffer in silence and let my heart bleed all the pains he cannot retain
    Because my life is a graveyard of buried delights and I cannot dream

    I have to suffer unbearably
    My life is an abyss of anguish and sorrow
    Dismay is my favourite word that I pronounce instead of my name
    And my only consolation is the cold soil of my chamber of tears

    I cry infinitely and in my repulsion for life
    I cannot find any light
    What should I do to make my life tolerable?
    Is there any sense in this universe for a creature like me?

    In the gloominess, I hide tiny and invisible
    Because after all, I’m invisible and no one cares about me
    I care about myself so little that even I don’t care
    So I do write because my life is useless and empty

    The void devoured everything all my happiness
    Nothing remained to me but buried delights
    Nothing remained to me but cold tears stroking my cheeks
    So often I cry that I forget all my names and I know that my fate is doomed

    In misery and desolation, I will find my destiny
    In resignation and death, I will find my infinite rest
    Suffering is my only way to express myself inside myself
    Like in a dark maze where all that I can see are shadows lecturing me about life

    My buried dreams and delights are lost forever
    I have nothing any more but the endless anguish of life
    Because I never wanted to be born
    Because I never wanted to be among others
    Because all I ever wanted was to live in my dreams and not in a graveyard made of misery and affliction.
    Elisabetta

  • Subliminal Madness

    Subliminal Madness

    Subliminal madness dragged me deep into the dungeon of torment and despair
    A fortress where I couldn’t fly with my imagination
    An isolated island of sorrow and heartache
    Chained by the moans of my own thoughts

    Hence, I started to seek shadows instead of light
    I wandered lost in the wilderness and surrounded by absolute silence
    I became a captive to the memories and echoes of the past
    With the certitude that a wicked fate ruled my existence

    All the mirrors around me sought in vain to reveal the mystery within myself
    In the gloom of their cryptic tales
    For I could not comprehend their bizarre words
    Because they were just utterances lost in the infinite void

    In that abyss of subliminal madness
    The relentless wind of laments was blowing against me
    Gelid arrows that pierced through my body
    Fragments of anguish that were sharp daggers

    Profound wounds were carved on my heart
    Too deep for time to mend or forget
    Bleeding sorrows staining the hours
    Instants marked by silent screams

    Grief became a solemn veil that shrouded me
    Memories burned like inextinguishable flames
    And all that remained were ashes of dreams scattered in the wind
    Beneath the moonless dark sky of my endless night

    Nothing remained to me
    Not even a flake of hope
    Not even a fragment of a dream
    But only a subliminal madness to relieve my tragedy

    In silence and solitude
    My life was merely a paroxysm of darkness
    A frenzy of obscure nightmares chased me
    I could only sigh at the sound of raindrops getting me through

    In this desolate maze of endless sadness
    Not even a flicker of defiance was burning within me
    I couldn’t hear any whisper of solace
    I crawled through the mist of my own despair

    The shadows that once enticed me now suffocated me
    And the silence, once my treasured haven, transformed into a dungeon
    Whenever I strived to chase the faintest pleasure
    I was left aimless and shattered

    I still couldn’t find a realm beyond this dark veil
    A world where torments were no longer my torturers
    Hence, I was bound to this endless darkness
    And my heart was filled with subliminal madness.
    Elisabetta

  • The Mask Of Illusion

    The Mask Of Illusion

    The mask of illusion hid behind an ephemeral mirth
    Whenever I tried to pick the sublime flowers of joy
    Pretending that I could be worthy of happiness and hope

    Only in my dreams, I could see my confined heart
    In a cage made of crystal and gold
    From which it could never be set free
    Because the destiny of my soul was doomed forever to indifference and distress

    That was the reason I fed myself with the poison of illusions
    Illusions hiding behind a mask of conventional pretences
    I’ve always loved lying to myself

    In the rush for survival, I forgot my real name
    Getting lost amidst the euphoric frenzy of fleeting instants
    I did let myself dissolve in the labyrinth of shadows

    The mask of illusion became deformed and heavier
    And underneath it, there was only a haze of darkness
    A void where once upon a time there was a glowing light

    Silence replaced hopes and desires
    And I forgot the sight of truth and reality
    The spell of bitter lies had enchanted me

    Hence, my despair grew deeper in the garden of thorns
    A secret garden where no flower of joy could ever bloom
    The mask of illusion and deceit sunk deep into the cold soil, made of fragments of shattered delusions

    No soul would ever find this kingdom of nowhere
    Impenetrable and invisible to ordinary sight
    This magic realm of enigmas and secrets concealed every untruth and illusion
    Though every fragment of it was woven from fallacies, for all the masks of illusion lay buried beneath

    Surprised no more
    I surrendered to the sweet lullabies coming from each flower
    With the certitude that I was one of my dreams

    Victim of my own hallucinations
    I wandered endlessly through the spectral haze of my illusions
    Surrounded by the decay of faded memories that lingered like lost ghosts
    Never to return to my forsaken reality.
    Elisabetta

  • The Death In Front Of Me

    The Death In Front Of Me

    The death in front of me manifested in the night
    During my solitary stroll in the gelid streets
    Where no one could have saved me
    Surrounded by the whispers of dead spirit and madness

    The death inside myself amused me without any doubt
    The fantasies and memories that constantly would have hunted me
    They disappeared in the emptiness of the night
    And I alone had to face all my fears and anguishes
    Without any help or comfort

    Conscious of my unfair fate, I had to seek refuge in my inner thoughts
    Where I have could definitely be myself
    With no remorse or regrets
    Aiming to the most pure, and beautiful realm of my dreams

    A realm of visions and dreams was conceived by my weirdness and bizarre imagination
    Uncontrolled emotions pervaded my body until my bones
    And I didn’t feel anymore the frigid wind that stroked me
    I couldn’t even realise in which reality I was living in

    The darkness and the absolute silence were my loyal companions
    Although all the bizarre fantasies in my mind were always making noise
    And all I could see was the death in front of me
    Waiting for me to fall into decay
    I ended up in my dungeon, from where I never could have escaped

    My heart was entirely lost and full of longings
    And I couldn’t find any reasonable wisdom
    So much I was mislaid in my realm of illusions
    That I couldn’t see other realities than mine

    Nevertheless, when I was awakened from my slumber
    I felt the pain of my suffering and the transience of my imagination
    Yearning for a long-lost serenity that I never had
    A utopia made of ethereal beauty and love

    The death in front of me strove to possess me
    But it never had the chance to seize me
    Instead, I slipped through its grasp among the several shadows of the night
    Elisabetta

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