Esther Racah Writer & Literary Blogger

Tag: solitude

  • Wandering In Oblivion

    Wandering In Oblivion

    Wandering in oblivion with the certitude in my heart that I belonged more to my afflictions than to my desires
    I knew not where my fate was taking me
    The only inevitability I couldn’t avoid was my obsessive quest to follow my dreams
    My fantastic world was all I demanded so impulsively
    And that everlasting flame was glowing intensely into my heart

    I felt betrayed by the time and all the previous events that dragged me into the pit of anguish
    It was real as much as I was breathing, and I couldn’t prevent being overwhelmed
    A huge imaginary mountain was on my chest, for I didn’t realise I had brought such huge exhaustion over and over again for a considerable time, too many times
    Lost and deluded, I chose seclusion as a way to bear that overflowing burden

    So far I wandered that I got lost in mazes and forests, for I was seeking pursuits and chances
    Even though I knew there was no compass guiding me in the infinite darkness of the nights I spent in dizziness and confusion
    Bitter was the dismay that distressed my heart in the loneliest journey of my existence
    Whenever I searched for comfort, I only found sparse, few and far-between hopes for a spark of delight

    The sunlight became bright and dark, creating shadows all over my path, while the moon advanced with pride as the queen of the long nights when my slumber was trembling with fear of the unknown. At last, I could hear the silence whispering presages and tales. Hence, there I was, lonely in my frailty and chaos, never ready for new adventures whilst wandering in oblivion and suspense. I had forgotten all my bygone remembrances as well as my name and my most cherished dreams.

    As long as the moon shone alongside the stars, I could make wishes that shattered at the mountain’s peak. But all fell silent, and I remained in my castle, admiring the splendid panorama before me.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Stars And Nightmares

    Stars And Nightmares

    Stars and nightmares alternated in the sky of my imagination
    Unconscious, as I had been captivated by my nocturnal slumber
    In weariness and freedom from anguish and fears
    I felt like I was wandering in an endless labyrinth
    Aimlessly seeking a direction or a sign
    Nevertheless, I couldn’t release myself from that intricate situation
    Although I was not afraid or concerned about my situation
    I longed for tranquillity and stability, but I knew I couldn’t hold them in my fantastical existence
    Now that the only things I could own were stars and nightmares
    Nothing more for the instant I dreamed in

    Stars and nightmares waited for me as loyal custodians of my illusional world
    No distress could arm my resolute desire for infinite nights of impetuous fantasies hidden underneath a pile of regrets and expectations
    Labradorite stones and precious gems with gold and silver wrapped around my arm like tempting ivies
    Since I couldn’t avoid being myself in front of the mirror of life
    I indulged in hiding behind the meadows of avoidance every time I refused to stare at my soul
    Solitude had happened a long time ago when I fled the kingdom of sordid mortals
    For I was a creature of the infinite abyss of darkness

    Stars and nightmares had vanished from my dreams now that I’ve become more sceptical, and no candlestick or magic stone could grab my attention anymore
    Even the sound of thunderstorms didn’t concern me
    In my bizarre life of secrecy and balderdash, everything could have been possible and impossible at the same time
    Because the pendulum of that realm had ceased to function, and no clock was willing to help me in that disorienting wilderness
    In a gleaming darkness made of dreams, nightmares, hope and anguish, I merged with my deceitful daydreams
    In an infinite loop of delight and bliss, despite the dread hiding beneath.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Fantasising In The Realm Of The Night

    Fantasising In The Realm Of The Night

    Fantasising in the realm of the night
    Lost in my obliviousness
    Bound to my dreams
    I discovered lost memories kept far away from my heart
    For I was wandering in the inaccessible kingdom of the invisible
    Where only dreams and chimaeras could be tangible

    I had lost the keys to the portal of fear
    And I was facing my delusional quest with no destination
    Cast away from society, I lived in solitude and silence
    No words could have been used to depict my inner world
    Too many times I saw faces without a soul
    For myriad seasons, I spent questioning my fate

    I never found an answer to each of my questions
    It seemed the stars were enjoying lying to me
    Or maybe it was the treacherous night sky with its copious gloomy clouds that interfered
    I knew not
    And I will never know
    Since the first day of my bleak existence
    Dismay was my inner core
    Like a rose thorn, always present in my heart

    No tumultuous storm or hectic wind could have disrupted that unheavenly stillness
    For I was firmly convinced that I could not alter my endless state of invisibility
    Dazed and confused as I was
    I didn’t count the hours anymore
    Time didn’t exist in my kingdom of imagination
    Whenever I was fantasising in the realm of the night

    No flower of my dim garden could ever have resisted a secret eclipse
    Nor could I refuse to live with those illusions that were mesmerising my heart
    Lonely and flimsy was the star dwelling in my soul
    The nocturnal birds greeted me as always
    For they were my chaotic followers of the darkness
    In my journeys through inaccessible forests and forsook meadows
    Seeking the ocean waves and the thunder in the tempestuous dusks of the wilderness
    To lose and find all the versions of myself
    In an infinite expedition to nowhere
    Forever
    Never ceasing to fantasise in the realm of the night.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • The Shadows Of Solitude

    The Shadows Of Solitude

    The shadows of solitude followed me in my endless journey of self-discovery
    No storm or fog could distract my search for the mysteries that my fate dared to hide from my gaze
    Extravagant fantasies appeared as evanescent chimaeras glowing like stars in the darkness of the night
    Ravens and crows gathered around me, whispering arcana secrets to me, as they already possessed the knowledge reserved for immortal spirits
    Even the rain and wind didn’t encounter an effortless manner to rule that kingdom
    Where inky feathers fell all over me while I saw blank mirrors floating like autumn leaves on a pond

    The shadows of solitude guided me in the deepest night in the midst of the misty forest of my dreams
    I followed the trail enlightened by scattered candelabras and poetry rhymes
    My perseverance was unapologetic and I cared only for my own wonder
    Since the day I decided to abandon my bitter memories and leave them in the swamp of my past
    The majestic and fierce vault of a Gothic cathedral hid the vast starry sky, inducing me to listen to the sumptuous melody of an ancient organ
    I felt dizzy as if under a magic spell that had been cast on me by my most hidden desires

    The dimness of my fears vanished immediately as if they never existed and they couldn’t hurt anymore
    So much glistening light I found in the deepest gloominess
    Guided by my untamed heart ready to embrace every unreachable mirage
    I followed the phantasmic echoes of the nocturnal clouds staring at me in my intricate voyage without a specific destination
    Since the day I had willingly lost myself within the mist of my own dreams
    I was no longer startled by my limits because I decided to become infinite and potent like a lone glistening luminary
    Belonging to eternity
    Perfect in my frailties.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Waiting For My Dreams

    Waiting For My Dreams

    Waiting for my dreams to wither like dry flowers
    Constantly sinking into the oblivion of sadness and dizziness
    Unaware of what could happen to my soul
    Having lost every hope to save my dreams
    Finding my sweet haven in my darkest grief
    Slowly avoiding thinking and surrendering to the course of my vicious fate
    I let the ocean waves swallow me into the chasms of unconsciousness
    To avoid seeing the reflection of my memories in mirrors of shady dismay
    The silence of the night lulled me to a deep slumber where I finally could feel peace and gaiety
    My idle heart became a frozen stone full of sand and dust
    Whilst I wandered in the desolate forest of my fears
    Waiting for my dreams to be my only consolation
    For I was aware of the evanescence of the stars gleaming in the night sky
    Indeed, every single anguish of mine became a tiny leaf that the cold breeze lifted away from my gaze
    So quickly was flowing my existence like a tumultuous river that I lost the sense of time
    And I remained therefore languid in a garden without flowers or trees
    A garden of darkness and shadows where no mortal could find me
    My foremost hideaway in which I could flee the hideous threats from the world of reality
    I didn’t pay attention to the consequences of my enchanted illusions
    Dread and cynicism accompanied me at every step as unwelcome and unavoidable guests
    Secrets were locked within me and only nonsense was guiding me in the eternal gloom of my seclusion
    In vain I strove to reach out to the moonlight
    Nevertheless, I had been cast away too far
    Surrounded by nothing but loneliness and bleakness
    I was left crying tears made of madness and turmoil.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Castaway’s Desires

    Castaway’s Desires

    Castaway’s desires enticed me in the long winter nights, when the frozen branches of hollow trees caressed me softly, as they needed to approach my body.

    The scent of burning candles devoured my enthusiasm and reminded me only of my hopeless misery. An everlasting burning desire strove to swallow my heart greedily like an invisible demon.

    My insensitive inertia shattered my soul into pieces and I let the devastation take advantage of me. I was born to dissolve and to perish an infinite number of times in endless ways.

    Frenzy and turmoil were my loyal guides like flaming torches in the deepest darkness, and they offered me their improper wisdom. I felt alive only because I embodied the distress that consumed me, leaving me in flames.

    Indeed, it was true that scorching passion sometimes might have let me fall in love with things that destroyed, and that was what penetrated every part of me.

    I was made of fire and glaze surrounded by the cold mist of my dark chamber where dimly lit candles were my only merriment.

    The sweet screams of the night recalled to me who I really was. Obsession carved my vein instilling a tainted poison instead of blood. I became a creature of the realm of shadows and wraiths.

    I was consumed by my own fantasies and foolish hallucinations. I had become the queen of frenzy among my lost memories of worlds which I once belonged to.

    No mortal entity could see me because I was visible only to creatures of my own. There was no transformation in my staticity.

    I could perceive the manifestation of my own tempest, like a tiny vessel in a stormy sea. Lost in the labyrinth of my dreams and dread, I was unable to discover the existence beyond time.

    The great mystery of seeking my reflection in the immense mirror of life made me realise my nothingness. There was no end and there was no beginning but merely a vague silence clinging to me like luscious ivy.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Entangled In My Own Disquiet

    Entangled In My Own Disquiet

    Entangled in my own disquiet
    I found myself in a state of confusion
    Collapsing into a vortex of chaos and despair
    I might have been able to overcome my fears
    But I was not capable of escaping the loneliness

    There were no mirrors in my secret dwelling
    Where candles and shadows were my loyal confidantes
    And an absolute silence was soothing me like a soft lullaby
    While my sighs hid tears of grief

    Thinking of myself as a tiny leaf in an immense ocean
    I was surrendered to fate, ready to be swallowed up in the abyss of oblivion
    Lost in a turmoil of obsessions and dismay

    Many times I wished to escape from the labyrinth of my fantasies
    But deceptions were always following my trail
    I knew no serenity
    Instead, I was condemned to wander endlessly

    Time didn’t know me as I existed in a surreal dimension
    I belonged to the realm of darkness and obliteration
    And I was a victim of the impetuous winds of the long winter night

    I felt the discomfort of reality
    It was like wearing a sumptuous dress made of thorns and quills
    I lived as a doll locked in an airtight box

    No creature could ever perceive me
    No creature could ever hear my sobs and sighs
    No mirror could reflect my image

    I was inevitably entangled in my own disquiet
    Although the stillness around me pacified my soul
    I didn’t feel any urgency to rescue myself
    Indeed, my drowsy heart couldn’t perceive anything anymore

    I had no longing, no desire left
    I’ve never been in the garden of devotion and love
    I’ve always been shrouded in clouds of invisibility
    Always surrounded by candles and spiderwebs
    Lost in a cloud of incense and blooming night flowers
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Love Like A Sweet Poison

    Love Like A Sweet Poison

    Love like a sweet poison seeped into the heart, and time no longer existed in the realm of the eternal night. Passion burned as an everlasting flame and it altered into eternal desire.

    A tenacious devotion was rooted in a ground made of ice and stardust. And I stood among crimson roses and the nocturnal mist, under the sight of an eerie moon.

    The darkness enveloped me like a sumptuous dress wrapped around me. The faraway shadows of anguish and dread were chasing me like ominous ghouls.

    I was seeking ghosts that reminded me of lost loves while wandering accompanied by my madness as the only chaperone.

    No pang could ever touch me anymore since I’ve been depleted of my heart that was standing on a dry branch of a dead tree, beating loudly like an incessant cry.

    My only way to exist was to roam erratically without any guidance. I was already a creature of the world of darkness. I had altered a myriad times in numerous ways.

    I had definitely forsaken the world of mortals, with whom I never felt any affinity. I didn’t mind losing myself in that tremendous labyrinth.

    As far as I could proceed, I felt the nothingness swallowing me with delight. A storm had subjugated me and shattered my being.

    Not even a speck of myself had been kept by the frozen soil, because a whirlwind had stolen my essence. I was held captive by the abyss of darkness and there were no expectations or delusions.

    I finally remembered as a long-lost memory that time no longer existed, when love seeped into the heart like a sweet poison. It burned slowly, transforming into eternal desire.

    And there I lay down underneath the soil soaked with ice and flames with my heart standing on a dry branch of a dead tree, dreaming fearlessly and ceaselessly like a funerary elegy.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Phantasmagoric Fantasies

    Phantasmagoric Fantasies

    Phantasmagoric fantasies were my kingdom of infinity and eternity
    A divine refuge where I could fly freely like a fairy
    Whenever the storms of fear and dismay came upon me

    I craved love and devotion like a thirsty blossom seeking the rain
    Nevertheless, what I could find were relics of forgotten treasures and vessels of mystery
    Silence was the only sound I could hear during my lonely and endless nights

    My beating heart was full of spells and illusions, trying to fill the void with silly desires
    Although I had whispered my secrets to the luminaries glimmering in the night firmament
    I could listen to the time ticking as it slipped like heavy raindrops

    The flickering candlelight kept me warm while my heart sank in the gelid ocean of sorrow
    For I was exiled to an evanescent world
    Where everything was ephemeral and illusory

    As much as I clung to false hopes, nowhere was destined to ever become my beloved secluded niche
    For I was fated to wander evermore without any guidance or aim

    Quaffing arcane potions, I fed my soul with darkness and fire
    Perceiving my slow descent into the chasm of oblivion
    I became a fierce sorceress willing to face any kind of hazard

    Lost lyrics echoed in my mind as if they were fragments of my memories
    The suspense of my fragility made me shiver like a delicate flower under the touch of a frosty wind
    I got lost in phantasmagoric fantasies woven in my dreams

    For I was a dream myself, mesmerised by the beauty of my own imagination
    Shunning the bitter truth that my broken mirrors insisted on revealing to me

    I had always been made of illusions, even though my broken heart persisted in loving chimaeras and ghosts, sinking into the infinite abyss of nothingness.
    Elisabetta Esther

  • Ensnared In My Own Obsessions

    Ensnared In My Own Obsessions

    Ensnared in my own obsessions, tricked by my own illusions, I wandered, lost in the abyss of my fantasies. Nightmares were lulling me to sleep on a winter night, while soft whispers were revealing terrible truths to me.

    Time was slow like my heartbeat. I couldn’t cope with my anguish. It was a massive pain that devoured my heart constantly and slowly. Slow was the time. Slow was the consistency of all my pangs inflicted on me.

    Far away, I couldn’t perceive any clear horizon because respite was cast away from me. I could have cried; I could have screamed; I could have broken free from every cruel distress, no mortal soul would have ever noticed it, in the realm of sugary masquerades and coffee goblets.

    Overwhelmed by the sense of oblivion and nothingness, I begged my fate to make me forget my bitter and sad memories, in an attempt to save myself from destruction. Teardrops of crystal ran across my face until they fell into darkness in the absolute silence of the eternal night.

    And I finally sipped the very last drop from my toxic goblet. I could feel my heart fracture in all its power, and my body shake with bliss and delight. I embodied my decay fiercely, and flames engulfed me impetuously.

    Shadows captured me viciously with their menacing claws, ripping my heart to fierce sparkles of passion. Shivers of euphoria and panic coursed through my mind, and my body was under the influence of a magic spell.

    The void claimed me as if I were a creature of its tragic realm. That immortal doom seized me in a dungeon where no starlight could penetrate. I hesitated and sighed in the midst of the nocturnal haze, which hid the deception of my dreams.

    Ensnared by my own obsessions, fooled by my own delusions, I strolled in the chasm of my daydreams, although I was confused. I couldn’t feel loneliness anymore because of my imagination. I couldn’t discern anymore what was real and what was not.

    I strove to feel calm and so much wished to be a star glowing in the sky among clouds and moons.
    I aimed to be infinity and emptiness. My heart became a labyrinth of frenzy and murkiness. I was longing to be taken away from my hallucinations.

    And I wailed to the firmament a multitude of times over, though I knew that no creature was willing to hear my laments. Wicked ghosts cast a spell over me, mesmerising me, and I surrendered to their shadiness, mistaking it for deliverance.
    Elisabetta Esther

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