Esther Racah Writer & Literary Blogger

Tag: pain

  • Among Shadows And Monsters

    Among Shadows And Monsters

    Among shadows and monsters, I was left to hover
    Merciless was the despair inside my broken heart, since misery ruled my life, condemning me to wander endlessly. I was left to merciless ghouls haunting me like wicked demons; all of them reminded me of the past I’ve forever tried to flee.

    Time twisted around me like a serpent, devouring every trace of the glow of a dream, while I wandered among whispers and sighs of all those aborted dreams of mine that I couldn’t save anymore. It felt as though I were seeing my decay with my eyes and I couldn’t find any redemption or rescue from my fate.

    I was adrift in a sinking boat during a winter night storm, all alone facing death. Nobody would ever give attention to my defeat but only me. In the quiet void, my voice was lost like a resentful wind howling without being heard. And in that very moment, I realised and accepted my loneliness and my doomed fate.

    My solitude and misery became my companions while an infernal stupor obsessed my mind, leading me to folly through its betrayal. I sat on my throne of darkness and became queen of the kingdom of shadows and black roses. I was no longer afraid of ghouls and monsters because I had come to be a creature of the night.

    In the abyss of anguish, I ruled over my fears and obsessions. My madness became my loyal reflection. All my fragilities and insecurities morphed into mirrors, thorns and candlesticks. Although I was among shadows and monsters, my fears no longer possessed me; instead, they carved arcane signs on my skin from which I bled.

    I discovered delight in my pains and built my castle from disdain. In magnificence and death, I married oblivion and I erased my name from the book of living souls. The stillness of eternity waited for me and I vanished into the aether. I was in the shadows and in the wind, in clouds and stars. I was an ephemeral gloom and a fleeting shadow, a transfiguration.
    Elisabetta

  • Softly In Silence

    Softly In Silence

    Softly in silence, I lie to hide all the deception and lies from my naive heart
    I had to endure an existence of deceit and coercion
    Like a nightmare ghoul oppressing my pale slumber
    In an eternal night of haunting memories and wail

    I had constantly desired to be cherished and loved in vain
    I would have rather been remembered for my art than for my beauty
    So I preferred to hide behind my shield of silence and vanish into the ephemeral aether
    Like the mystic smoke from a burning flame

    Alas, in this silence, I remained quietly still like a crystal gem
    I was a withered bloom in a winter’s storm
    Unseen, unloved, forgotten
    Cradled in the embrace of the darkness

    I did not live for the sake of grace but for the grief
    Each heartbeat was woven in the dimness
    I was but a ghost wishing only to be mourned before bleeding my heart out
    Exanimate, I was sinking into a chaotic ecstasy of sorrow

    The eternal night cherished all my forbidden secrets
    Since I was forever bound to the dim dusk
    And every instant was midnight only for me
    Because I had obliterated time permanently

    I was born just as a punishment by the hands of my wicked fate
    Even the gleaming stars of the midnight sky had no mercy
    They stared at me indifferently as if my existence was just a futility
    I had lost every privilege to dream

    Just for a moment, I strived to change my fortune
    But I had no more strength to continue to exist
    All that I could do was stare at the walls of my dark chamber and fantasise
    I let the realm of dreams and absurdities swallow me

    I had to say goodbyes to the reality and normality
    I became a creature of a world of folly and oddities
    Only frenzies raptured my heart violently, and I let them in
    Softly in silence, I fell into the abyss of my own affliction.
    Elisabetta

  • The Realm Of Crimson Roses

    The Realm Of Crimson Roses

    The realm of crimson roses was my treasure
    The secret haven of my desires for extravagant dreams
    The sweet and bewitching scent of the crimson roses drugged me
    It was like I drank the poison of oblivion for the very first time
    And I forgot my essence, bleeding my heart out

    I had visions and hallucinations like I was in an eternal sleep
    I saw beauty and magnificence in every corner of the castle of dreams
    Crying and smiling, I’ve finally found infinite delight in my abyss of anguish
    No pang could frighten me anymore because I was free
    Like a bird flying so high, it could touch the sky

    I belonged to the realm of crimson roses, and my heart was bound to it
    Through invisible chains made of love and death
    No slumber was necessary anymore because I was in a perpetual state of stupor
    Enchanted by a wicked spell cast over me, I could no longer abandon my state of captivity
    I was languidly mesmerised

    I surrendered to a throne of nightmares and dread
    It was made of crimson roses and adorned with long and sharp thorns
    So pointed were their punches pierced my heart
    Making me bleed until I became an ethereal creature of the night
    The pain freed me from fears and insecurities
    And I had not anymore a material body
    After all, I never lived in reality because I was born in the realm of nightmares and madness

    I knew not whether I dreamt or waked
    So dazed was my mind, I could not divine between vision and verity
    The realm of crimson roses could have been a spectre of my imagination
    Enchanting me like a nocturnal lullaby
    It suited my senses and hypnotised my heart
    A fleeting Utopia, born to wither with the dawn.
    Elisabetta

  • Crying To Death

    Crying To Death

    Crying to death until I lose all my fears
    Crying to death until my heart bleeds the last drop of grief
    I don’t remember my name anymore
    I come from a faraway realm where dreams are forbidden
    I wander astray in the labyrinth of my bleeding heart

    Not anymore comforted by solace and delight
    I strive to find refuge in my secret realm of illusions
    Because I love to lie to myself with shameless boldness
    Because I love to fill my heart with deception

    I’m untamed and wild, and I don’t bow to any convention
    It’s impossible to fit my soul inside a box of comfort
    Too many thoughts crowd my mind
    Too many emotions crowd my heart
    I’m a paroxysm, a burst of madness wrapped in the quietness of my sorrow

    I love to wear exclusively beautiful vintage-style dresses and ballerinas
    I love to wear red lipstick and red nail polish
    I never cut my long blond hair because they keep my little secrets for years discretely
    I love books but sometimes I keep them closed as if I would like to guess what is going to happen next in the story

    I mainly write night and day and I cannot see myself not writing even a day
    That would be like asking me not to breathe
    I suffer in silence when I am home alone so nobody can discover it
    I never plan what I’m going to write because I believe in improvisation in poetry
    I love cloudy skies but not the rain because it makes me feel miserable

    I love to be in love but I also love to be loved and adored
    Solitude and books are my best companions, indeed the only ones
    I adore art in all its forms, music, literature and art
    Sometimes I prefer to write in a direct way and simple style without labyrinths of metaphors

    Crying to death is a way to express myself when I’m suffering unbearably
    And when I don’t feel understood and seen by the other creatures of this planet or when memories come to visit me
    After all, we suffer mainly because of indifference or tainted interactions with other entities or because of something we don’t want to remember

    I feel like an alien creature not belonging to standard society and as an introvert it’s very difficult being part of this messed ocean where I never felt comfortable. So bizarre and odd I’m in the other’s sight that I cannot blend with them.
    Therefore, I dwell in my loneliness where I have built my castle of dreams.
    Elisabetta

  • Buried Delights

    Buried Delights

    Buried delights are the only gifts that remained in my treasure chest
    Nothing more because I’ve lost all my hope and dreams
    I’ve been deprived of all the things dear to me and I cannot have any more back
    All that I have is dust and decay

    All my sandcastles were swallowed by the greedy ocean of darkness
    The emptiness of my fate buried all my solaces and delights
    I have to suffer in silence and let my heart bleed all the pains he cannot retain
    Because my life is a graveyard of buried delights and I cannot dream

    I have to suffer unbearably
    My life is an abyss of anguish and sorrow
    Dismay is my favourite word that I pronounce instead of my name
    And my only consolation is the cold soil of my chamber of tears

    I cry infinitely and in my repulsion for life
    I cannot find any light
    What should I do to make my life tolerable?
    Is there any sense in this universe for a creature like me?

    In the gloominess, I hide tiny and invisible
    Because after all, I’m invisible and no one cares about me
    I care about myself so little that even I don’t care
    So I do write because my life is useless and empty

    The void devoured everything all my happiness
    Nothing remained to me but buried delights
    Nothing remained to me but cold tears stroking my cheeks
    So often I cry that I forget all my names and I know that my fate is doomed

    In misery and desolation, I will find my destiny
    In resignation and death, I will find my infinite rest
    Suffering is my only way to express myself inside myself
    Like in a dark maze where all that I can see are shadows lecturing me about life

    My buried dreams and delights are lost forever
    I have nothing any more but the endless anguish of life
    Because I never wanted to be born
    Because I never wanted to be among others
    Because all I ever wanted was to live in my dreams and not in a graveyard made of misery and affliction.
    Elisabetta

  • Torments Are My Delight

    Torments Are My Delight

    Torments are my delight and bliss
    I love to feel a pang piercing my heart
    I love to pine for love devotionally
    I live only in my dreams like a fairy
    Flying lightly from one flower to another one

    I’m an ethereal creature belonging to phantasmagorias
    I’m a little spirit of the night
    My heart is avid of passions and desires
    In my secret garden of lush and extravagance
    Torments are my solace and mirth

    My fate is a turmoil of unknown chaos
    Not paying attention to my fears
    I live carelessly as every day is my last day
    My senses are intoxicated by the scent of extravagant flowers
    And let my body surrender to lust in my haven of lush

    I wear an exquisite and magnificent gown made of tragedy
    My ethereal wings carry me everywhere I wish
    In sadness, I find refuge under the shadows of ancient trees
    In joy, I relish pursuing my dreams of oddities
    Safety is not my favourite word in the dictionary because I adore nightmares

    Every night, I crave to be consumed by the passion of my darkest fantasies
    In the darkness, I burn with the desire to be pierced by agony
    Gloomy shadows whisper my name, enticing me closer
    As I feel an ecstatic pain, I hesitate to surrender
    I’m so lost in the euphoria of torment’s kiss

    Each sigh of mine is like a melody of forbidden delights
    When pleasure and pain entwine in an endless embrace
    I welcome the darkness as its touches are so exquisite and deep
    I become a creature made of fire and fiery lust
    A blaze burns my heart at every stroke

    Every kiss carves a searing scar of longing on my skin
    As a reminder of the desires consuming me whole
    And in the flames, I’m reborn like a blooming blossom
    Torments are my delight and I surrender to the sweet agony of my lusts.
    Elisabetta

  • Subliminal Madness

    Subliminal Madness

    Subliminal madness dragged me deep into the dungeon of torment and despair
    A fortress where I couldn’t fly with my imagination
    An isolated island of sorrow and heartache
    Chained by the moans of my own thoughts

    Hence, I started to seek shadows instead of light
    I wandered lost in the wilderness and surrounded by absolute silence
    I became a captive to the memories and echoes of the past
    With the certitude that a wicked fate ruled my existence

    All the mirrors around me sought in vain to reveal the mystery within myself
    In the gloom of their cryptic tales
    For I could not comprehend their bizarre words
    Because they were just utterances lost in the infinite void

    In that abyss of subliminal madness
    The relentless wind of laments was blowing against me
    Gelid arrows that pierced through my body
    Fragments of anguish that were sharp daggers

    Profound wounds were carved on my heart
    Too deep for time to mend or forget
    Bleeding sorrows staining the hours
    Instants marked by silent screams

    Grief became a solemn veil that shrouded me
    Memories burned like inextinguishable flames
    And all that remained were ashes of dreams scattered in the wind
    Beneath the moonless dark sky of my endless night

    Nothing remained to me
    Not even a flake of hope
    Not even a fragment of a dream
    But only a subliminal madness to relieve my tragedy

    In silence and solitude
    My life was merely a paroxysm of darkness
    A frenzy of obscure nightmares chased me
    I could only sigh at the sound of raindrops getting me through

    In this desolate maze of endless sadness
    Not even a flicker of defiance was burning within me
    I couldn’t hear any whisper of solace
    I crawled through the mist of my own despair

    The shadows that once enticed me now suffocated me
    And the silence, once my treasured haven, transformed into a dungeon
    Whenever I strived to chase the faintest pleasure
    I was left aimless and shattered

    I still couldn’t find a realm beyond this dark veil
    A world where torments were no longer my torturers
    Hence, I was bound to this endless darkness
    And my heart was filled with subliminal madness.
    Elisabetta

  • The Portal To Emptiness

    The Portal To Emptiness

    The portal to emptiness was waiting for me
    In hesitation and doubt, I didn’t feel any comfort
    I didn’t trust what I was seeing or hearing
    All I could be assured of was a feeling of uncertainty

    It was as if I was living one of my several lives
    Foolishly embracing my madness with such joy
    Even the wind was terrified by me in its impetuosity
    Being myself, a little tornado of intense emotions

    Left by myself in my extreme solitude
    I sought refuge from my overwhelming grief
    Grief towering over me like a monumental demon
    Making me an insolent creature of the night

    Chasing darkness, I have finally found myself deep
    On the ocean floor of my imagination
    In my realm of wonders and chimeras
    I desired to find my utopic idyll

    My dreams touched me night and day
    All over my body like soft strokes
    Fantasies pierced my heart making it bleed
    With their sweet and sharp daggers

    I became a crimson rose, with all my petals tainted by blood
    And pointed thorns as powerful as diamond gems
    Although I was crying for my freedom from my roots and cold soil
    I had to surrender to my slavery

    And I could only dream over and over again without hope
    I cried and sobbed like a winter storm
    And I felt needles stabbing all my petals
    Arrows of anguish and awareness of my impending decay

    Nothing anymore could have released me from my huge distress and dismay
    I was merely a red rose and nothing more
    One of the several red roses of an ordinary city garden
    Nothing anymore could have been important to me

    The portal to emptiness was in front of me
    And now, I was made of dust and decay
    Decadence was my name and like a butterfly pinned on a wall
    I remained still as a crystal rose standing on a barren earth.
    Elisabetta

  • The Endless Grief

    The Endless Grief

    The endless grief, born in the deepest shadows,
    Where sorrow grew, and demons crept.
    A silence dazed the eerie aura,
    A weight too much for hearts to bear.

    The rain fell cold, the sky was bleak,
    The soul became frail and the mind weak.
    A distant toll of bells transformed into a choir of cries,
    A dirge for those who dared to wander too far away.

    The endless road of mourning winds,
    Through shattered hopes and twisted desires.
    No company was found, nor voices to be heard,
    Just endless grief that claimed every living creature.

    The endless grief, a cursed refrain,
    A perpetual march through infinite pain.
    The night devoured the light of day,
    And dragged the hearts to slow decay.

    A castle cold, where shadows reigned,
    Sighs echoed in darkened walls.
    A labyrinth with thorns and tendrils of dread,
    Each path was a step closer to the death.

    The stars looked down with a hollow stare,
    Like frozen orbs that did not care.
    Their pale light painted the soil in frost,
    As every entity was bound and lost.

    The endless grief betrayed like a lover’s kiss,
    A poisoned embrace that none could ever be missed.
    It held hearts, it gripped souls,
    It swallowed whole all that was taken under control.

    In twisted woods where no life could have prospered,
    The path led where the cold wind blew.
    The trees, they moaned, their branches writhed,
    Beneath the sky where stars didn’t thrive.

    The river flew with quiet dread,
    A blackened stream for the living dead.
    Its waters whispered as they ran,
    A mournful hymn for what had begun.

    The endless grief, a heavy shroud,
    A curse that lingered like a minacious cloud.
    No dawn would have broken, no sun would have risen,
    No delight could have been born beneath these unlimited skies.

    The realm itself became a monument of stone,
    A place where nothing could make sense.
    The ground would have swallowed every shadow,
    And still, the grief remained the same.

    The endless grief never ended and never will,
    Through disfigured dreams, it wends and bends.
    It buries deep, it scars souls,
    A fate that no one can control at all.
    Esther Elizabeth Racah

  • The Mirror of Despair

    The Mirror of Despair

    The mirror of despair stood like a monolith,
    A monolith, unmoved, defiant.
    Before that cursed glass, shadows loomed,
    And light would pass, leaving darkness consumed.

    Once it held the grace of life,
    Now, only hollow faces survived.
    The air grew poisonous, a burden to bear,
    A chill that whispered, don’t you dare.

    Cold breath hung in the air, a fleeting mist,
    A ghostly trace that once existed.
    The surface touched, cold as stone,
    Yet deeper still, a soul felt alone.

    The mirror of despair exhaled a sorrow so vast,
    Trapping a soul within the past.
    A scream clawed up, lodged in the throat,
    But all that came was silence’ coat.

    A voice was lost, like fading light,
    Consumed by dread, engulfed by night.
    The reflection showed not just a face,
    But every fear that none would trace.

    Youth decayed, bones turned brittle,
    Skin faded grey, and life became little.
    Colours drained from joy and life,
    Each moment was replaced by endless strife.

    The mirror of despair pulled deeper still,
    Into a world that froze all will.
    A heart, once whole, now torn apart,
    Reflected back in shards of dark.

    Each fragment whispered death’s embrace,
    No warmth, no light, no saving grace.
    Graves appeared, their earth undone,
    And in those pits lay the one.

    A figure frail, devoid of breath,
    Caught in the arms of endless death.
    Turning away was not allowed,
    Something held firm, no escape endowed.

    The pull of doom, a heavy chain,
    Bound this soul to eternal pain.
    The mirror’s depths revealed no end,
    Only endless dread, no hope to mend.

    Shadows closed in, all around,
    A suffocating, endless bond.
    The weight of death felt so near,
    Its breath was so cold, its touch so clear.

    It whispered low, in the ear so slow,
    That all was lost; no light could show.
    Cracks spread wide across the glass,
    Like spiders’ webs that grew en masse.

    Each line it split tore at the soul,
    A mirror now of death’s control.
    And there stood a figure, consumed by dread,
    A living soul among the dead.

    The mirror of despair held a final sigh,
    A grim reflection left to die.
    The hours blurred, the days bled dry,
    Lingering there, without knowing why.

    No future lay beyond the glass,
    Just shadows of a life that passed.
    Each breath became a hollow sound,
    A heart that barely dared to pound.

    Lingering there, devoid of air,
    In endless, hopeless, cold despair.
    No warmth could reach this haunted place,
    No hope could heal what’s been erased.

    A ghost within the glass remained,
    And death, it seemed, forever chained.
    Esther Elizabeth Racah

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